we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Randomize
