i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
