fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
