I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
