Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
