Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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