When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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