Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Less talking, more tequila
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
