Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
