dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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