I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
