That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
