So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
