So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
