I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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