I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
