Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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