I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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