Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
