Jerry, you need to find god
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He's on the porch naked. Help.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
