I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
