Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
