he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
