i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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