My balls are so social today.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
