Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
