sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
