She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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