I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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