I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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