If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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