Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's always time for handjobs
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
