i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
