lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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