Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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