ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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