Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
