Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
