dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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