His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
