the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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