If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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