My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
