paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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