Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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