It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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