dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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