Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
