My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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