Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
