I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
