weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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