I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
