you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
